


Live By Your Words

by markwatnae (bertie)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 02:32:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6593053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertie/pseuds/markwatnae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan struggles to accept the path that Qui-Gon has tried to put him on, but cannot ask for help until he has been given no other choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Live By Your Words

**Author's Note:**

> i'm just a huge sucker for angst and hurt/comfort. the scene in the council chamber was not afforded the proper amount of background it needed to really hurt the way it should have and it always bothers me so i had to write this.

Something inside of Obi-Wan shattered the moment Qui-Gon renounced him in front of the Council to take Anakin as his Padawan. He nearly choked on his words when he stepped forward to agree he was ready for his Trials. The statement had been a lie. It was true some Jedi were Knighted at twenty, but he was no where near prepared to take missions on his own and have the future of entire planets rest in his hands. He came to Qui-Gon’s side and spoke out of a sense of duty to his Master. It would look bad if he stood back and denied his Master’s words. He would make a liar out of his Master, and he was not about to do that in any setting, much less the Council.

He cannot seem to get the cold, heavy dread to release its hold on his heart.

Sitting on a stone bench in one of the many meditation gardens, Obi-Wan has the strange sensation of being twelve again. He remembers the terror of losing his chance at becoming a Jedi Knight. The unadulterated fear of being shipped off the AgriCorps to be a farmer for the rest of his life instead of utilizing his incredible lightsaber training in battle or his second-to-none skills in debate and negotiation for diplomatic missions. He had no affinity for the Living Force—not like his Master—but he is often plagued with visions of the future thanks to his touch with the Unifying Force. That alone should have gotten him a Master because an intense connection with the Unifying Force is a very good indicator of a strong and successful Knight, but still no one had wanted to take him on as an apprentice.

A Jedi with little skill in the Living Force would do no good in the AgriCorps. They could have at least offered the Exploration Corps instead. The Council had seemed to be mocking him and his failure to catch anyone’s eye.

All the insecurities he thought he had put to rest so long ago resurface with a vengeance. His Master has been merely biding his time as his teacher until a more important, more successful student came along, and now he can finally be rid of the failure that has always been Obi-Wan Kenobi.

He was never truly meant to be a Jedi so why has he been kidding himself all these years that it was actually possible he would become a Knight. He should have simply accepted his fate and gone to the AgriCorps when he had the chance and saved himself all this misery. Instead he had begged and pleaded and fought his way into Qui-Gon’s life and fooled himself into thinking the Force had willed them to be a team. He had convinced himself he was truly worthy of being a Knight. Now he will be forced to face his Master as he formally renounces him in favor of the Chosen One. He will not pass his Trials—he simply is not ready. Once he has failed he will surely be sent away to a service corps, but now he must suffer the ashamed, disappointed look on his Master’s face instead of simply having to melt away into the background.

Obi-Wan pulls his legs up onto the bench and tucks them against his chest. He wraps his cloak closer to his body to stave off the impending chill of the night. He cannot bear to go back to the quarters he shares with his Master. He is not certain Qui-Gon took Anakin there after the Council meeting, but he does not want to find out for sure. He would not be able to handle seeing Qui-Gon sitting on their sofa with Anakin like he has sat with Obi-Wan so many times over the years, teaching him and _loving him._

Every touch and embrace is being called into question. Obi-Wan cannot help the distrust that curls sickeningly in his belly. He presses his forehead to his knees in an attempt to not lose what small amount of food he had managed to eat that day. He knows in the rational part of his brain that it is very unlikely Qui-Gon hated him the entire time and simply taught him out of spite, but it is becoming obvious that he is past rational thinking at this point. He is exhausted and scared and feeling so very alone. He has never felt this alone because he has always had his friends by his side and teachers there to support him and then Qui-Gon who was unshakeable. Now he feels as if his entire world is crumbling down around him, leaving him with nothing.

His training means nothing if he is growing crops or picking fruit. He will be shipped off to an agricultural world while Anakin Skywalker takes his place at Qui-Gon’s side. If he is unlucky, he will simply be pushed out of the Temple and into the galaxy to fend for himself. A washed out twenty-year-old Jedi alone in the universe.

A breeze picks up in the garden and he shivers, listening to the leaves rustle in the trees. He looks out over the flowers and bushes and hopes maybe this will not be the last time he can see this garden. He should have gone to the Room of a Thousand Fountains in case this is the last time he will be allowed in the Temple. He wonders if Qui-Gon will take Anakin to the Star Map Room like he did with Obi-Wan shortly after he became his Padawan. They often went there after difficult missions to calm down and speak to one another and simply be in each other’s presence.

What if that had all been a lie?

Obi-Wan turns his face back into his knees, unable to hold back the tears any longer. He cries for all the years he spent loving Qui-Gon and looking to him for guidance and affection. He grieves for the coming pain of a premature separation and a life so different from what he has previously known. He will lose everything and he will gain nothing. Even when he has run out of tears to shed, he continues to sob from the cruelty of the situation.

“Obi-Wan?”

He startles so violently he nearly falls off the bench, but then strong hands are righting him gently. He keeps his face turned away and pulls back as soon as he can, not wanting to be disturbed or be a burden on someone else’s mind.

“What are you doing in here?”

When he does not answer, it is obvious his visitor grows equal parts frustrated and concerned.

“Look at me, Obi-Wan.”

A firm but careful hand grasps his chin and directs his gaze. He is forced to stare at Mace Windu through sore, watery eyes and be the recipient of that stern glare, until he realizes Obi-Wan was not acting out of disobedience.

“Where is Qui-Gon?” He asks, his tone is soft and almost pitying, and Obi-Wan holds desperately to his composure at the mention of his master.

He slips only once and coughs out a broken sob until he reigns everything back inside. He answers truthfully.

“I don’t know.” His voice sounds terrible and disjointed. It almost does not sound like him.

Mace puts a hand on his back, urging him up. “Come. You need to see the healers.”

At any other time, Obi-Wan would have put up such a fight it would have taken several Council members to drag him into the Halls of Healing. Now, he simply walks beside Mace at a slow, shuffling pace with his shoulders drawn up and cloak pulled tight. Mace keeps his hand resting on his back, guiding him and offering him a tiny comfort.

When the kind secretary in the healers wing sees them, she immediately comms for the chief healer, Vokara Che. Nearly everyone in the Temple knows Obi-Wan and Vokara have a sort of shaky trust going between them. Obi-Wan dislikes all healers and having to visit the Halls, but will usually submit to Vokara. She does not gloss over the gory details and is a very matter-of-fact healer which is what appeals to Obi-Wan. He never wants to be coddled—except occasionally by his Master if the injury or illness is serious enough.

Obi-Wan notices Mace giving Vokara a pointed look when she arrives, but does not comment. They both usher him back to a room and he immediately curls up on the slightly elevated bed. Mace pulls up a chair to the bed while Vokara takes Obi-Wan’s vitals quickly and quietly.

“Obi-Wan, has something happened between you and your master?” Mace asks, only after Vokara has given him the okay.

Obi-Wan feels his grief rear up again and overwhelm him, washing over him like an awful wave of nausea. He clamps down on his lower lip to keep it from trembling, averting his gaze so he does not have to see the pity in the eyes a Council member and the chief healer. He nearly fails to silence a soft, keening cry that threatens to escape but all that gets out is a miserable whimper.

“Did he hurt you?” Vokara demands, and Obi-Wan’s carefully constructed composure slips further.

“No,” he manages to say, but it does not even convince himself.

“Obi-Wan, what is going on?” Mace is standing now.

Obi-Wan has the sudden urge to flee, to get away from this and hide from everything, but then firm arms are wrapped around his midsection, keeping him from escape. He does not realize he is sobbing until his face is pressed into the shoulder of Vokara’s healers robes. He holds tightly to the brown fabric and is comforted by the hands that press firmly against his back. He catches snippets of them talking over him, but nothing truly registers.

He feels the Force compulsion before he hears:

“Sleep, Obi-Wan.”

He fights it, crying out a soft, “No.”

“Obi-Wan, you are exhausted. You need to calm down.” Vokara has him trapped in her strong embrace and he is unable to move more than a centimeter.

Finally, he stops struggling but he buries his face in Vokara’s shoulder and sobs until he is sure he is going to be sick.

He has no chance to fight the next compulsion, but he finds that he does not want to fight anymore. He slips under with the quiet words of his healer following him.

“Sleep now, little one. All will be well.”

>< >< ><

Mace watches Vokara Che carefully arrange Obi-Wan on the bed, pulling the sheet and blanket up over him as he shivers despite the lack of chill in the air.

“What has happened to this boy?” She says, acid dripping from every word.

He knows not to cross her especially where a patient is concerned, but he has no answers.

“The only thing I can imagine that would upset him would be Qui-Gon suggesting him for his Trials,” Mace replies, rubbing his jaw. “But none of us on the Council believe him to be ready. Qui-Gon is merely—”

He trails off. Qui-Gon is desperate to ensure Anakin Skywalker is trained as a Jedi, and conveniently mentions Obi-Wan’s Trials at the same time. Mace cannot imagine his friend doing this to his Padawan, but he also knows how Qui-Gon can sometimes suffer from a severely one-track mind.

“What? Qui-Gon is merely what, Mace?”

“Qui-Gon found a boy on Tatooine that is incredibly strong with the Force. His midichlorian count is over twenty thousand.”

He holds up a hand to stop Vokara from interrupting to say that it is impossible to have a midichlorian count that high. She acquiesces.

“We tested the boy, but a majority of us on the Council do not feel he should be trained. When Qui-Gon heard this, he was upset and said he would take him as his Padawan. We told him that he was forbidden to have two Padawans so he suggested Obi-Wan for his Trials. I can’t imagine it having this effect on Obi-Wan, but it is the only lead we’ve got.”

Vokara’s jaw is tight and she almost glowers about the room as she thinks.

“Will you give me permission to search his mind so we will be certain?”

Only the individual in question or a Council member could give permission for a mind sweep. Not even a Padawan’s Master is able to order one. Mace nods once, unnerved that they must do it but understanding their predicament. He knows Vokara will only view what is necessary and do no damage to Obi-Wan.

Vokara lays her hand lightly on Obi-Wan’s forehead. He is still shivering, whimpering softly in his deep sleep. Mace has always admired the boy and was glad to see Qui-Gon take on such a bright, intelligent Padawan. Now he has the overwhelming urge to shield Obi-Wan from his long-time friend if he truly is the source of his distress. That moment in the Council chamber resonated through everyone present. The chasm that opened between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon was palpable and the longer Mace thinks on it the more likely it becomes that a simple sentence has rocked this young man almost irrevocably.

When Vokara opens her eyes, she looks down at Obi-Wan sadly. She smoothes his hair back in an uncharacteristic display of affection, but Mace knows she harbors a lot of it for Obi-Wan. It is impossible not to love him. He is a bright spot in the Force and has a dimpled smile everyone adores. Mace desperately hopes Qui-Gon has not ruined him for good.

“What did you find?” He asks gently.

Vokara sighs heavily. “Our Obi-Wan does not feel secure in his place at Qui-Gon’s side, and he believes himself to be a failure to the Order. He fears he will be cast out because he is not ready for his Trials and will fail them. He feels as if he has already been replaced by this boy and Qui-Gon is merely waiting to officially renounce him. He does not think himself worthy of being a Jedi. I’m not certain, but there also seemed to be indications of wishes to take his own life instead of facing his master’s disappointment.”

Mace grips the bar at the end of the bed to keep himself upright. The Council has failed this Padawan and allowed the seeds of doubt to be planted and tended to until they grew roots so they are all the more difficult to remove. He hangs his head and focuses on releasing his anger into the Force, but he finds it difficult.

“Do not fault him for harboring these emotions, Mace. He has not been able to meditate and find his center, and he is still only a Padawan. I—”

He stands up straight and shakes his head.

“None of the blame lies with him,” Mace says. “It lies with the Council and his Master. We have done him a great disservice and it is now our obligation to attempt to fix what we have broken. I am going to find Qui-Gon.”

Before he leaves, he rests his hand on Obi-Wan’s head. He feels the raging, tumultuous emotions the boy has been unable to release and aches for him. No one—especially not a Padawan—should have to suffer this way.

“No one is allowed to see him unless I say so. Not even Qui-Gon,” he says, and Vokara nods sharply.

“Consider it done.”

“Shield this room so Qui-Gon cannot reach him through their bond. I don’t want him making this worse before we have the chance to settle it.”

His voice softens as he watches a furrow appear between Obi-Wan’s eyebrows. “Please take special care with him.”

“I will.” Vokara sounds equally impassioned.

Mace leaves as Vokara pulls another blanket out of the heating cubicle to spread over Obi-Wan. He knows he will be well cared for in her hands.

He stops by Master Yoda’s quarters and fills him in on the situation. He is obviously troubled by the news and decides to join him to speak to Qui-Gon. He will also be there to take Anakin to the Initiates wing if things get heated. Mace cracks a smile at Yoda muttering about breaking his gimer stick over Qui-Gon’s head if that is what it takes to make him see clearly what is right in front of him. It might be him that takes Anakin if Yoda gets close enough to Qui-Gon.

They are nearing the lifts to the Masters quarters when Qui-Gon steps into view coming from the Initiates wing. Mace bristles at his relaxed gait and nonchalant Force signature.

_He does not even care where his Padawan might be._

When Qui-Gon catches sight of them, his face darkens slightly but not enough to start an all out shouting match right here in the middle of the Temple.

“Master Windu, Master Yoda, what can I do for you?” He says, tucking his hands into his sleeves.

“Know where your Padawan is, do you?” Yoda asks him, and Qui-Gon scowls at them.

“No. He is plenty old enough to be in the Temple on his own,” he says, and Mace has to suppress the urge to throttle him right then.

One of the meditation gardens opens up near where they are standing and Mace gestures toward it.

“Let’s speak somewhere a bit more private,” he suggests pleasantly.

“What is this about?” Qui-Gon demands before they have entered the garden. “Where is Obi-Wan?”

Mace says nothing and leads them to a small alcove where they will not be disturbed. At this time of night, it is unlikely they will be bothered anyway, but Mace is not feeling confident in his anger management.

“Obi-Wan is with Healer Che right now,” he says, offering nothing else.

“Why is he with a healer? What happened?”

“Hoped you could tell us, we did,” Yoda says blandly.

Qui-Gon looks between them with confusion. “Nothing has happened. The last time I saw him was after we were in the Council chamber. He said he needed some fresh air. I let him go and figured it was a good time to show Anakin the Temple. I haven’t seen him since. Why is he in the Halls?”

Mace regards him warily, but finally sighs dejectedly. “We’re not sure what is going on. I found him crying in one of the gardens. He was ice-cold as if he’d been sitting there for a while. I took him to the Halls to get warmed up and checked over since he never reported there after you returned. I asked him what was wrong, but he never answered me. When myself and Healer Che mentioned you, he broke down again and was nearly inconsolable. Healer Che had to use a Force compulsion on him to get him to calm down.”

“Why are we standing here? Let’s go see him,” Qui-Gon says, moving to start toward the entrance to the Temple.

Mace puts a hand out and stops him. “I’m not finished, Qui-Gon. This is not simply a matter of you collecting your Padawan from the healers. We are deeply concerned for Obi-Wan.”

Qui-Gon visibly sobers, his entire demeanor changing in one instant. It is obvious to Mace that Qui-Gon cares for Obi-Wan, but Anakin’s arrival has provided a distraction that has allowed Qui-Gon to unknowingly neglect his current Padawan.

“What’s wrong with him?” Qui-Gon asks, softer and desperate.

“Insecure, Obi-Wan feels. His place, he is not sure of. Your guidance, he still needs. Afraid of losing you, he is.” Yoda shakes his head sadly.

“Obi-Wan is a skilled Jedi. I even suggested him for his Trials—”

“Qui-Gon,” Mace interrupts him. “The Council does not feel Obi-Wan is ready. _Obi-Wan_ does not feel he is ready. I know you may think you feel is ready, but I do not. I believe you wish to move Obi-Wan along more quickly so you can ensure Anakin is trained. I understand your feelings toward Anakin, and they are well founded, but I fear you are causing serious harm to Obi-Wan in the meantime.”

“I don’t understand. I’ve never told Obi-Wan he was not good enough. He has to know I believe in him.”

Mace is at least glad Qui-Gon is understanding the situation, but he does not feel he is understanding the _gravity_.

“You’ve done an excellent job thus far teaching Obi-Wan. He is an incredible young man, but it seems that your eagerness to see Anakin trained has solidified the doubts and insecurities Obi-Wan has felt since childhood.”

Qui-Gon looks appalled. “He should have—”

“What Obi-Wan did or did not do is of no consequence right now,” Mace says sharply. “Whether you like it or not that child is hurting. The Jedi Order have done him a great disservice by repeatedly telling him, in one way or another, that he is unworthy. Even you did not want him as your apprentice after several of his attempts to get your attention. I am sorry if you do not want to admit your part in this, but you have caused Obi-Wan pain and I am going to do my best to make sure we do not lose him.”

Mace is glad he at least has the decency to look chastened. Qui-Gon often struggles to read people without having everything laid out plainly before him in black and white. He did not want to cause his friend pain, but an inconsolable Padawan is a much more pressing matter.

“Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan needs our help. He needs _you_. He is so convinced that he is a disgrace to the Order and a disappointment to you that he has contemplated taking his own life.”

The look on Qui-Gon’s face is one Mace is sure he will never forget. He wishes he could. He has never seen his friend so close to tears, not even after Xanatos. Qui-Gon’s Force signature turns dark and heavy, full of horror and despair. It makes Mace’s stomach turn and skin prickle with the density of emotion.

“This is not simply a matter of telling Obi-Wan he has done a good job. This is a matter of rebuilding his self-esteem from the ground up. He does not have an easy road ahead of him. From what Healer Che could gather from his thoughts, he feels like he has failed you and thinks you are trying to rid yourself of him. He will most likely not welcome you openly in an attempt to guard himself from more pain, but I know you are nothing if not stubborn. We will have to be patient with him because right now he will have to reconstruct his trust in you and in the Order itself.”

“What about Naboo?” Qui-Gon asks, but it is obvious his mind is not truly concerned for the mission.

“Another team, we will send. Finish the mission, they will,” Yoda assures him.

A long, quiet moment passes before Qui-Gon asks:

“Can I see him?”

He looks every bit like the awkward, slightly shy Initiate Mace befriended all those years ago, and it hurts to see him so unsure of himself.

“We will go to the Halls and if he is awake, I will ask him,” Mace says, carefully and sternly.

Qui-Gon understands and nods silently. He follows them out of the garden with slow, subdued steps.

>< >< ><

Obi-Wan wakes up warm and comfortable, stretching out in his bed with a soft noise of contentment. He still feels drowsy, like he could slip back into sleep at any moment, but he stays awake for now. After a moment he realizes that the room does not smell right. He opens his eyes and glances around, confused to find himself in the Halls of Healing. A yawn distracts him momentarily, but then he sits up in the bed.

He sees his clothes draped over the back of a chair sitting by the wall with his boots on the floor beside it. He looks down to find himself wearing the dark blue tunic and pants of the healers ward. When he sees his lightsaber resting on the table, he is suddenly reminded of yesterday’s events. His chest tightens and he tries to swallow down the panic quickly climbing up his throat.

A soft knock on the door is his warning before it slides open to reveal Healer Che.

“Good afternoon, Obi-Wan. How are you feeling?” She asks, coming into the room.

The door shuts behind her, and Obi-Wan tries desperately to stay calm. He does not understand why he is in the Halls of Healing and he is terrified to face his Master after what has transpired. He is afraid the healers have deemed him too unstable to even attempt his Trials and he will be sent away as soon as possible—

“Obi-Wan?”

He jumps, eyes snapping up to meet the healer’s. “I-I’m sorry, Master. I don’t recall your question.”

She does not react which only serves to unsettle him further. “I asked how you are feeling.”

Obi-Wan does not have an answer to that question. The only way he can describe the awful, sinking feeling in his chest is _hollow_. He feels gutted by what has transpired and this is the first time in his life he has had to put words to his feelings for something so intense and confusing. He watches Healer Che bring over the empty chair and place it beside the bed. She sits and crosses her legs, leaning toward him slightly.

“Obi-Wan, we need to discuss what happened yesterday.”

He must betray his panic on his face because she holds up her hands in an attempt to mollify him.

“Not this second,” she soothes, “but soon. I know you’re scared, Obi-Wan, but you’re not well and you need to let me care for you. But you also need to understand that I am, first and foremost, on your side. I am here to help you, not hurt you. You can speak freely to me and know that I will not repeat it to anyone. I will not lose you, Obi-Wan, you are too important.”

Obi-Wan’s painstakingly reinforced façade cracks and splinters until it falls completely and he is left sobbing into his hands for the second time in as many days. He does not like this loss of control because he was raised to know better than to allow emotions to rule him and yet releasing them into the Force slips out of his grasp each time he reaches for it.

“There is nothing wrong with listening to your emotions. They are an integral part of who you are, and sometimes the Council forgets that most Jedi do not always have the upper hand on their emotions because it is much harder than we are made to believe. The Council is made up of the most powerful Jedi so of course they find it simple to release their emotions, but they do not realize each of us is vastly unique. Do not discount your feelings, Obi-Wan. _Listen to them._ ”

He sniffles and tries taking several deep breaths. She praises him softly and encourages him to continue.

“Do you remember how you got here, Obi-Wan?” She asks him.

“No, Master. I only remember sitting in the garden,” he says once he has regained some semblance of control.

“Master Windu found you and brought you here. He said you had failed to report in for your check after you returned from your mission and when he found you, you were freezing cold.”

He thinks back to the night before, but cannot dredge up the memories. “I still don’t remember. I’m sorry.”

She puts her hand on his knee. “There’s no reason to be sorry. You were very calm when Master Windu brought you in, but when we mentioned your master, you panicked. Do you know why you would have reacted that way?”

He chews on his lip, but it still trembles as he struggles to remain calm. He dips his head so he does not have to see Healer Che’s face.

“Please don’t make me talk about it. I just want to leave. I’m not meant to be a Jedi. I never was. Please just let me go. I can’t bear to be here any longer,” he begs, tears sliding off his cheeks and landing on his hands in his lap.

“I’m not letting you leave, Obi-Wan. You _are_ a Jedi and your place is here with us in the Temple. I want to help you understand what you are going through right now, but you need to tell me everything. I know it is hard, but I will stay here with you for as long as you need. Just give me the basics for now and we will figure out the rest together, all right?”

After a long moment, he nods slightly. She sits and waits patiently for him to begin, but he struggles to formulate the words. He closes his eyes and forces his mind to cease its whirling and jumping between thoughts. It is about as close to meditation as he can come at the moment. Finally, the words come easier to him and he explains.

“My master wants to take another Padawan. A boy from Tatooine that has an extremely high midichlorian count. He’s very strong with the Force, but he is nine-years-old and the Council believes him to be too dangerous and too old to be trained. My master said he would train him, and suggested me for my Trials. But I’m not _ready_ for my Trials. I will fail them if I attempt, and then I will be sent away to a service corps or simply kicked out of the Temple. My master didn’t even want me in the beginning. I begged and pleaded with him to take me as his Padawan because I was terrified of being sent to the AgriCorps. I fooled myself into thinking I would actually become a Knight. I was never meant to be Knight. I was meant to be a miner or a farmer. I’m a disappointment and a disgrace to the Jedi and my master. I can’t bear to see him look at me with disgust when I’m finally sent away. I can’t bear to think about Anakin standing at his side where I had been. I never thought the Force could lie, but it lied to me. It told me our bond was willed by the Force and it was strong and true, but now it means nothing. I don’t deserve to be a Jedi; I don’t deserve to _live_ anymore. I don’t want to live. I’d rather die than have to face my master again. He deserves better than me. He deserves so much more than me. He deserves Anakin.”

His voice had remained relatively steady and calm until the end when it wavered and broke. He feels empty now that he has spilled all of his secrets. There is nothing left to protect or harbor and there is nothing left to care about. He feels exhausted. He vaguely registers Healer Che coaxing him to lie down in the bed and rest. He feels her brush her hand over his head, smoothing his hair, but he is asleep so quickly he wonders if he dreamt the touch.

>< >< ><

Mace meditates for nearly two hours on the fact that he, Yoda, and Vokara are tasked with the obligation of keeping a Master and Padawan team from falling apart. He does not come up with any specific ideas, but he comes out of the meditation with a renewed vigor that he will not fail. He will not see the two most successful Jedi slip through his fingers. Obi-Wan is not even grown, but he is suffering through much more than any adult should have to endure. Mace will not lose his childhood friend, and he will not let his friend lose another Padawan. If Xanatos fell because Qui-Gon showed him too much affection, then they are at risk of losing Obi-Wan from not receiving enough.

He meets with Vokara in her office late in the afternoon, and she looks troubled.

“I’m putting Obi-Wan on a watch, but I do not think he will make any attempts to harm himself. He seems to be resigned to suffering instead of actively seeking a way out—like it’s his penance or something. He is very convinced Qui-Gon no longer cares about him or wants him, and he feels threatened by Anakin’s presence. He has no ill will toward the boy, but he has already resigned himself to being replaced. I think he feels blindsided by Qui-Gon’s sudden infatuation with the boy and then saying he is ready for his Trials. He is asleep right now, but if he will agree to see Qui-Gon—and we can ensure Qui-Gon will not say the wrong thing and upset him further—then we could put an end to this rather quickly.”

Mace rubs his eyes and lets out a deep breath.

“You’re right. There is nothing we can do until he and Qui-Gon sit down and talk. He will most likely refuse to speak if all of us were in the room so we will just have to ensure Qui-Gon understands the severity of the situation. Even admonishing him lightly might upset him. Let’s contact Qui-Gon and bring him down here. The sooner we start the process the better.”

Vokara nods and sits down at her comm unit. Less than five minutes pass before Qui-Gon is standing in the office, looking exhausted and nervous. Mace forces him to sit down lest he collapse on the spot. They tell him what Obi-Wan revealed earlier, and Qui-Gon covers his mouth with his hand when Vokara explains they are keeping Obi-Wan under surveillance as a precaution. His face seems to have drained of color.

“I never meant for him to—” He swallows loudly. “I did this to him.”

Mace puts a hand on Qui-Gon’s shoulder and squeezes hard to get his attention.

“Qui-Gon, we are not placing blame. All that we need to focus on is helping Obi-Wan. You cannot go into that room unless you are steady and certain because he will immediately pick up on it and think you are hesitant to take him back. He needs you to be strong. He needs someone to fall back on because he’s not able to stand on his own right now.”

His friend nods. “I understand,” he says, then pauses. “I’m not ready to see him. I need to meditate, but—”

He glances up at Mace, and he does not even need to ask the question.

“I will help you. We will let Obi-Wan rest and come back when you are more confident. It will be better for both of you,” Mace explains, squeezing Qui-Gon’s shoulder lightly now.

Qui-Gon stands and turns to Vokara. “Thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure,” she says, bowing her head to him. “Obi-Wan is a very special young man.”

A soft smile tugs at Qui-Gon’s face. “He is.”

He walks beside Mace as they make their way out of the Halls of Healing and toward the nearest meditation garden. He does not speak, but Mace does not need to hear his voice to feel the tension and anxiety he is holding in his body. They will rid him of that and he will be able to walk into that room with certainty to save his child.

>< >< ><

For the second day in a row, Obi-Wan has refused to eat, his stomach too tied up in knots to keep anything down, and now he has an intravenous line of fluids and nutrients taped to the back of his hand. It makes him woozy just looking at it so Healer Che covers it with a patch of gauze. He is bundled in his cloak and curled up underneath two blankets in the bed, dozing fitfully as he does nothing but think. He was offered a datapad but there is nothing he might be interested in doing with it so it sits on the table beside the bed. He is counting his heartbeats when there is a soft knock on his door, but he does not call out to them.

The door slides open and Healer Che smiles at him.

“Good morning,” she says neutrally, coming into the room.

The door does not shut behind her. She changes out the empty bag of saline with a full one and strokes her hand over his hair.

“Do you feel up to a visitor?” She asks.

The monitor on the wall starts chirping as it detects his heart rate climbing. Healer Che silences it and sits on the edge of his bed.

“Obi-Wan, I know you are in pain, but you must be open to begin healing. We only want to help you.”

“Fine,” he spits out, but then he immediately feels guilty for his outburst. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right. I assure you I’ve had much worse thrown at me in these Halls,” she teases, and he attempts to smile. “Will you at least let someone say hello to you?”

He nods silently and does not meet her eyes.

“If you want us to leave, all you have to do is tell us and we will go,” she says, and he nods again.

The footfalls on the tiled floor betray the identity of his visitor immediately and he curls his fingers into the blankets to keep his hands from shaking too obviously. His throat tightens and he squeezes his eyes shut.

“Good morning, Obi-Wan,” his master says softly.

Out of deeply ingrained obedience he replies. “Good morning, Master.”

“May I sit?” He asks.

Obi-Wan nods and hears the chair scrape slightly against the floor as Qui-Gon pulls it up beside the bed.

“Would you be more comfortable if Healer Che stayed in the room?” Qui-Gon asks him.

“Yes.”

The door slides shut with a quiet noise.

“I’m sitting by the wall, Obi-Wan,” Healer Che says. “You’re safe here.”

He does not respond, too focused on not making a fool of himself in front of his master—his _former_ master. His chest feels like a bantha is sitting on it and his heart is racing. His stomach churns and each of his muscles feels locked in place.

“Obi-Wan, I would like to apologize for how badly I have treated you in the past few days. While it was not my intention, I have been told that my attitude towards you has caused you a lot of distress. I take full responsibility for my actions and my words and will do what is necessary to make things right between us. You are the most important person in my life and it saddens me that I have harmed you so deeply. I do not expect your forgiveness nor your trust to be readily given, and I am willing to work for them. I simply wanted you to know that you are not alone and I will be at your side if you wish me to be there.”

Obi-Wan covers his mouth with his hand as he sobs, tears dripping off his fingers and onto the bed. He ducks his head low in an attempt to hide his face, but he knows Qui-Gon is watching him intently. His cheeks burn with shame.

“Master, please don’t apologize to me. I-It’s my fault. I’m not worthy of being your Padawan. You want Anakin. You _deserve_ Anakin. I’m not a Jedi. I was never meant to be a Kni—”

“Obi-Wan, stop.”

He whimpers softly, miserably as his deepest, most secret thoughts and emotions are laid bare for his master to see.

“You were always meant to be a Knight and I promised you I would see you Knighted. I was wrong to suggest you for your Trials so soon because we both know you are not ready yet. You will be ready, but not right now. I do not want Anakin as my Padawan and I do not deserve him. I want _you_ because the Force brought us together when you were twelve and it is not ready for us to be apart yet. The Force willed our bond into existence before we even noticed it and it is the strongest training bond in the history of the Order. That is not something I should have dealt with lightly. If you were truly ready for your Trials, then the Force would have dampened our bond and you would feel prepared.”

At first Obi-Wan flinches away from Qui-Gon’s touch, but then he feels how his entire being calls out for him—body and soul. He aches to have him near. Obi-Wan tentatively allows his hand to be clasped by both of his master’s and lets out a breathless sound of disbelief. Qui-Gon smiles at him comfortingly.

“ _You_ are my Padawan, and it is _you_ whom I want to see to Knighthood. I will always care about Anakin, but _you_ , Obi-Wan Kenobi, are the only one who has my heart. I have loved you since the day you became my Padawan, when I braided your hair and pledged myself as your teacher. I cannot explain to you how horrible I have felt knowing I have caused you such pain simply because I was not thinking. I wanted to ensure Anakin was trained, but I did not realize the mistake I was making when I tried to move you along too quickly. Your thoughts and feelings should have come first, but I neglected to take them into account, and I will do my best to gain back your trust. I have been selfish while you have been nothing but accommodating, and I am not worthy of being your master.”

“No! It’s all my fault, Master. I-I shouldn’t have reacted so childishly. I’m sorry. I’m truly not ready for my Trials if I cannot bear to be away from you. I do not deserve the title of Jedi Knight. I’m a disgrace to your teachings. You shouldn’t be seen with me at your side—”

He simply cries when Qui-Gon’s big hands gently cup his face. He has not felt his touch in so long—since before Naboo.

“Obi-Wan, you have always been meant to stand at my side. That is your place. I will not allow you to be anywhere else. Even after you become a Knight, I will want you as my partner. I spoke out of turn and I spoke with haste when I spoke of your Trials. I did not think my words through and I have made the biggest mistake of my life. You bring me such incredible amounts of joy and I would be devastated to lose you. You are the reason I am here today because you have brought me back from the brink of the Dark Side when I did not deserve that kindness. Your presence alone makes each day worth living, and I will spend the rest of my life atoning for the pain I have caused you.”

“Master,” Obi-Wan says, his head spinning with exhaustion. “I—”

His voice gives out and he stares at the man who has been the center of his world for seven years. Qui-Gon smiles softly at him and smoothes his thumbs over his cheeks, wiping away tears that still trickle down.

“You are _mine_. You are my Padawan and I love you. I am so sorry for everything I’ve done to hurt you, and I want you to know that I will do all I can to make it right.”

Obi-Wan lets out a weak, tired sob and reaches out for his master. Qui-Gon stands up and immediately gathers Obi-Wan into his arms, minding his intravenous line. He settles on the bed and Obi-Wan curls up in his lap, grasping at his tunics. The hand with the line in it protests the motion so he presses it flat against Qui-Gon’s chest. He shakes and whimpers as Qui-Gon murmurs to him, rocking him gently.

“Please don’t leave me,” he begs, the rapid drumming of his master’s heart under his ear.

“I won’t ever leave you, my Obi-Wan. I promise I will never leave you. You are so dear to me and I love you more than anything.”

Qui-Gon’s soft declarations soothe him until he is just sniffling and clinging to his master’s shirt. He shivers with repressed emotion that pleads to escape when Qui-Gon’s kisses him lightly on the forehead. He keens softly, curling his fingers into the tunic.

“Shhhh, it’s all right now. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere,” Qui-Gon croons, lips brushing his forehead again.

“I’m so sorry I’ve made such a mess of things, Master. I should be stronger than this. I’m just so tired,” Obi-Wan mumbles thickly, tucking his face against Qui-Gon’s throat.

“I know you are, Obi-Wan. I know. You can rest now. I’m here and you’re going to be all right. I will watch over you, my darling boy. I will always be here to protect you,” his master soothes, cradling him and easing his pain simply by touch alone.

Obi-Wan feels his grief begin to lift.

“Can I sleep?” He asks, feeling heavy with relieved exhaustion.

“Yes, little one. I’ll be here; I won’t leave you,” Qui-Gon promises.

He feels another kiss pressed to his hairline. He vaguely registers Healer Che moving around the room and then Qui-Gon leaning back against the bed, holding him comfortably against his chest. His eyes drift shut as he hears soft voices conversing over him, but he cannot bring himself to be bothered. Qui-Gon’s hand is smoothing over his belly in big circles, something he has not done since Obi-Wan was thirteen. It never failed to put him to sleep then, and it works even now. He finds himself dozing quickly and does not fear sleep because he does not fear waking up alone again. He knows his master will be there.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [To Fight For You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6790282) by [bluedragoninamber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedragoninamber/pseuds/bluedragoninamber)




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